Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life    Compare

Table of Contents/ List of Topics Covered:

Introduction: Yes, You Are Normal
- The True Story of Sex
- The Organization of This Book
- A Couple of Caveats
- If You Feel Broken, or Know Someone Who Does

Part 1: the (not-so-basic) basics
1. Anatomy: No Two Alike
- The Beginning
- The Clit, the Whole Clit, and Nothing but the Clit
- Meet Your Clitoris
- Lips, Both Great and Small
- Hymen Truths
- A Word on Words
- The Sticky Bits
- Intersex Parts
- Why It Matters
- Change How You See
- A Better Metaphor
- What It Is, Not What It Means

2. The Dual Control Model: Your Sexual Personality
- Turn On the Ons, Turn Off the Offs
- Arousability
- What “Medium” Means
- Different for Girls…but Not Necessarily
- What Turns You On?
- All the Same Parts, Organized in Different Ways
- Can you Change Your SIS or SES?

3. Context: And the “One Ring” (to Rule Them All) in Your Emotional Brain
- Sensation in Context
- Sex, Rats, and Rock ‘n’ Roll
- Your Emotional One Ring
- You Can’t Make Them
“Is Something Wrong with Me?” (Answer: Nope)

Part 2: sex in context
4. Emotional Context: Sex in a Monkey Brain
- The Stress Response Cycle: Fight, Flight, and Freeze
- Stress and Sex
- Broken Culture – Broken Stress Response Cycles
- Complete the Cycle!
- When Sex Becomes the Lion
- Sex and the Survivor
- Origin of Love
- The Science of Falling in Love
- Attachment and Sex: The Dark Side
- Attachment and Sex: Sex That Advances the Plot
- Attachment Style
- Managing Attachment: Your Feels as a Sleepy Hedgehog
- Survival of the Social
- The Water of Life

5. Cultural Context: A Sex-Positive Life in a Sex-Negative World
- Three Messages
- You Are Beautiful
- Criticizing Yourself = Stress = Reduced Sexual Pleasure
- Health at Every Size
- “Dirty”
- When Somebody “Yucks” Your “Yum
- Maximizing Yum…with Science! Part 1: Self-Compassion
- Maximizing Yum…with Science! Part 2: Cognitive Dissonance
- Maximizing Yum…with Science! Part 3: Media Nutrition
- You Do You

Part 3: sex in action
6. Arousal: Lubrication Is Not Causation
- Measuring and Defining Nonconcordance
- All the Same Parts, Organized in Different Ways: “This Is a Restaurant”
- Nonconcordance in Other Emotions
- Lubrication Error #1: Genital Response = “Turned On”
- Lubrication Error #2: Genital Response Is Enjoying
- Lubrication Error #3: Nonconcordance Is a Problem
- Medicating Away the Brakes
- “Honey…I’m Nonconcordant!”
- Ripe Fruit

7. Desire: Actually, It’s Not a Drive
- Desire = Arousal in Context
- Not a Drive. For Real.
- Why It Matters That It’s Not a Drive
- But Emily, Sometimes It Feels Like a Drive!”
- Impatient Little Monitors
- Good News! It’s Probably Not Your Hormones
- More Good News! It’s Not Monogamy, Either
- “Isn’t It Just Culture?”
- Maximizing Desire…with Science Part 1: Arousing the One Ring
- Maximizing Desire…with Science Part 2: Turning Off the Offs
- Maximizing Desire…with Science Part 3: Desperate Measures
- Sharing Your Garden

Part 4: ecstasy for everybody
8. Orgasm: The Fantastic Bonus
- Nonconcordance – Now with Orgasms!
- No Two Alike
- All the Same Parts…
- Your Vagina’s Okay, Either Way
- The Evolution of the Fantastic Bonus
- Difficulty with Orgasm
- Ecstatic Orgasm: You’re a Flock!
- How Do You Medicate a Flock?
- Flying Toward Ecstasy

9. Meta-Emotions: The Ultimate Sex-Positive Context
- Can’t Get No…
- The Map and the Terrain
- Positive Meta-Emotions Step 1: Trust the Terrain
- Positive Meta-Emotions Step 2: Let Go of the Map (the Hard Part)
- How to Let Go: Nonjudging
- Nonjudging = “Emotion Coaching”
- Nonjudging: Tips for Beginners
- “No Good Reason”
- Healing Trauma with Nonjudging
- When Partners Dismiss!
- Influencing the Little Monitor Part 1: Changing Your Criterion Velocity
- Influencing the Little Monitor Part 2: Changing Your Kind of Effort
- Influencing the Little Monitor Part 3: Changing the Goal
- “To Feel Normal”
- “This Is It”

Conclusion: You Are the Secret Ingredient
- Why I Wrote This Book
- Where to Look for More Answers

Acknowledgments
Appendix 1: Therapeutic Masturbation
Appendix 2: Extended Orgasm
Notes
References
Index

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